If I knew then, what I know now...

I really never set out to write these blog entries. All of the sudden, I just have these grand realizations, and then I immediately have to get it down on paper.

I’ve been really challenged lately. I’ve been in this crazy season of growth – growth in my marriage, growth in my health, growth in myself, and more importantly, growth in my relationship with Christ.

On Friday, I went to get my hair cut and colored which really means I have therapy sessions with Kristen. (Kristen, if you read this, thank you for always letting me vent, cry, and laugh while sitting in your chair). She told me about a book she read called Girl, Wash Your Face. It is very, very popular right now, and most of you have probably heard of it, no less read it yourself. I went to Target, bought some groceries, picked up the book, and came home to start reading it. Mind you, I’m still not all the way through it, but holy smokes, I can’t put it down. If you are a woman, you hear the lies the world says about you, and you struggle to value yourself, THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU! Honestly, I want to buy every single copy on the shelf and give it to every female I know. (disclaimer: my identity is totally found in Christ, and I rest in that, but it is so refreshing to hear a woman write so clearly what I hear in my head and feel in my heart every day. This in no way supplements the Bible nor should it).

I just finished chapter 5. Chapter 5 totally revolves around an unhealthy and toxic relationship she had in her life. I found myself crying, because I have stood exactly in those same shoes. I settled repeatedly, over and over again in my relationships until I met my husband. I mean it. Every single one of them…settling for far less than what God had planned for me. Even now, sometimes I see how people treat people in relationships, and it makes my blood boil. Rachel Hollis writes these words, “people will treat you with as much or as little respect as you allow them to”. I’ve learned that why I let people treat me so poorly for so long was because I allowed it. Read it again. I (me, Hillary, Hilly, Hill, Hills, Hillary Lindstrom) allowed it to happen. I accepted that treatment, because I believed it was what I deserved.

She also writes these words…

“’Who are you?’ I asked my empty bedroom. But that was the wrong question to ask. The issue wasn’t that I didn’t know who I was; the problem was that I didn’t know who I had allowed myself to become”.

In the midst of all of this, ironically enough, Brock preached about marriage today at church - what God says of marriage, what marriage is supposed to be, and how we should love each other in marriage. God created marriage to show the world what He says of His love for us. It’s unconditional, it’s faithful, and it’s eternal. In a culture where divorce is so prevalent, and at the first sign of trouble, people leave the one they once loved, Christ doesn’t. He still remains.

I can tell you very honestly and candidly, this is the hardest year of marriage Josh and I have experienced for a number of different reasons. Spending time talking about those things doesn’t bring honor to the Lord, though. We’ve said things we regret, and we’ve done things we shouldn’t. I’ve really hurt him, and he’s really hurt me. Marriage is hard work, but it is the best kind of work I’ve ever done.

Josh and I took the 5 Love Languages test recently. I was feeling a disconnect in our marriage, and he wasn’t. My number one love language is quality time, and guess what Josh’s last love language is? Quality time. We laughed pretty hard about it to be honest. But it has been a great learning tool for how to better communicate love in our marriage. Every night, we put our phones down, eat dinner, and do something together. Whether it be playing a game, going for a run, taking a personality test (thanks babe for doing these with me, you know how much I lurve them), or clean the house and dance in the living room while we listen to our favorite songs. The list goes on…but you get the point. Almost 3 years of marriage has taught me this though, without Christ as our center, we fall apart, and if we aren’t actively pursuing our relationships with the Lord first, we crumble pretty quickly.

I, by no stretch of the imagination, believe Josh and I have it all together. Sometimes I just get the sense that someone needs to hear these words. We all are very quick to say when something is going well for us, but none of us really care to talk about the bad things that go in our hearts and in our lives. I believe talking about the hard stuff is equally as important.

Tonight, I’m thankful God showed me my worth in Him which caused me to stop settling. Relinquishing control to my Savior led me to a man who sees my worth, values who I am, and sets my soul on fire for Christ. Great things come to those who are willing to wait.