An Open Letter From a Bride to Her Groom

May 14, 2016. Forever my favorite day.

I have lived a lot of wonderful days in my life, but if I could do one on repeat, it would always be the day I became Mrs. Joshua Erkman. I remember everything about our wedding. So many people told me beforehand to soak in all of the moments I could, because it goes by so fast, and that’s exactly what I did.

Some of my favorites are these:

Getting ready in the morning with my girls, mother-in-law, mom, dad, and cats. Father of the Bride was playing in the background. We were all talking and laughing and relaxing together. I remember Rach doing face swap on Snapchat and us all cracking up. I remember Zoey hopping up on the makeup table and trying to get as many snuggles in as she could. I remember my dad and Olivia sitting on the couch in mom and dad’s basement watching while Arica did my hair. I remember you calling me and everyone gathering around the table, smiling, wondering what you had said.  I remember all of us holding hands in a circle while Arica prayed over the day and our marriage. It was a time of celebration and thankfulness. There was zero drama or complaining. Everyone was so happy, calm, and excited. I loved every single second. It made perfect sense to me. The people who prepared me for my husband were all there, preparing me to walk down that aisle in just a few short hours.

In true Hillary fashion, it made sense that we were running late for pictures. My mom and I were the last ones done with makeup, and we drove to the church together. That is the only time my mom and I were alone that day. And amidst all the chaos, it made sense that somehow it was just my mom and I. My mom has a way of centering me when I can be very irrational or emotional. She can speak truth into my heart in a way that very few people can. She knows me all the way through and has shaped me into the woman I am today. And interestingly enough, the mother of the bride gets very little credit on the big day. It has never made sense to me. She taught me how to be a wife. Whether she knew it then or not, she was modeling what it was to love Christ and to love her husband. My mom has driven me a lot of places, but that drive, well, that one will always be my favorite.

We showed up to the church, we all got changed in a jiff, and I was going to get to see my groom. I remember before I got to see you, I saw your dad first. I was walking down a little hallway, and all I heard behind me was, “wow”. I turned around, and Bob (beaming) said, “You look beautiful, Hilly”. Not everyone gets great in-laws. I know that much. But I thank God for mine. Bob welcomed me into their family like I was one of them as soon as we started dating, and that moment with him was so simple but so sweet. With tears in my eyes, I was off to see my favorite person on this planet (you).

Because I grew up as Paul and Leah’s daughter, I grew up in a home where crying is totally normal and acceptable. Tears were a reoccurring theme for me that day, and seeing you was the pinnacle of waterworks. I remember Emily and Amanda using their wicked coordination skills to make sure we were secured and in position to not see each other. You were turned around, facing the front of the church, as I walked down the aisle. I cried. The. Whole. Time. In that moment, I was overcome with complete and utter gratefulness. Years of prayers were coming true. I came up behind you, you turned around, and we hugged while I cried some more. I know there were people watching, but I can’t even tell you who. I was caught up in everything to do with you and that moment. Honestly, that’s still how our marriage is going – getting caught up in you and all the moments we get to share together.

After that we took so many photographs – so many your mouth hurts from smiling. Your cousins walked across the street to Mrs. Curl. One of them got an ice cream cone and a hot dog and stuck said hot dog into said ice cream cone. It got all over his tux. We still laugh about it to this day. It was so cold outside – SO COLD for being the middle of May. We got married in downtown Greenwood, so plenty of people saw us walking around getting photos. I didn’t realize people could yell so many compliments out of car windows, but they did. And it was so happy. We made out on Main Street for a super cool photo. Amanda loaned me her sweater to wear once we had gotten all the shots we wanted. Truth be told, I can’t say enough wonderful things about Emily and Amanda. Emily was my youth group leader, she took my senior photos, our engagement photos, and (of course) our wedding photos. I wanted everything about that day to be as intimate and personal as humanly possible, even down to our photographer.

People were starting to arrive. Cue the music. Cue hiding the bride. Once people were seated, those wooden doors closed. Dad and I were off in the shadows. What happened in those shadows will forever be my favorite moment with my dad. We didn’t say much. We didn’t need to. We just kept looking at each other and crying. Many girls don’t have the best relationship with their fathers. I am blessed enough to have the exact opposite. My dad, outside of you, is usually my first phone call. I don’t know many grown women who can say that, but I can. I am proud to be his daughter. I am proud of the person my mom and dad raised me to be. It hit me like a sack of bricks the night of the rehearsal. I had thought so much about the wedding, the honeymoon, the details, somehow I forgot my dad and I got to share in this special moment. Just him and I. There is no one else I would have rather been there with in that moment than my dad. We went from crying, to smiling, to laughing. And once those wooden doors opened, we went right back to crying.

My words will never be able to do this next part justice. I am going to try, but I know they won’t live up to everything I felt. The night of the rehearsal, I struggled to keep my eyes on you. There’s something very nerve-wracking about being the center of attention. I remember telling myself, “I can’t be looking around at people when I walk down that aisle tomorrow.” I laugh now, because I think the ceiling could have collapsed, but my eyes wouldn’t have deviated from the hunky man I now get to call my husband. I can remember very specific times in my life when I felt the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it was in a whisper, sometimes it was in a clear and loud voice, sometimes there weren’t words – it was mere comfort and clarity. This day, this walk I made to my groom, it was overwhelming joy and peace I felt. And I know it was God affirming you were the man He had planned for me all along. It honestly felt like heaven, and I do believe that is the closest I will get to heaven on this side of my life. With most all of the people we loved in one room, with our families and dearest friends, I was totally overcome by love, love in its truest and purest form. I can still hear A Thousand Years playing on the cello and piano. I can still feel my dad holding me up. I still remember the hue of the lights. I remember hearing sniffles coming from my girls standing up there waiting for me. I can still see your face. But more than all of those wonderful things, I can still feel the Holy Spirit pulling me towards my groom.

Our ceremony beats our reception for me, and I believe that is exactly how it should be. Terry officiated our wedding. Terry has been a large part of my life throughout childhood and even now. I consider him a part of our family. My mom gave Terry my list of what I wanted in my future husband. And you told Terry a compilation of things you were looking for in your wife, as well. He incorporated that into our ceremony, and I loved it. We were surprised. We laughed and cried. But more than anything, it meant the most that Terry was the one who led the service that day.

We wrote a letter to the guests who attended our wedding, with the most emphasis on our friends and then our families. Lauren read the letter. She also designed our programs and invitations for the wedding. Again, more intimate details. One of your few requests for that day was that your sister would sing at our wedding. Brittany sang a song called You and I by Jon McLaughlin. She cried on the last line of the song, and we hugged her tight. It was beautiful and everything I could have ever wanted. We met through Brittany, and Brittany was my friend long before we found each other. When she met me, she told you I would be the perfect girl for you. You’ve always told me, “My sister knows me better than anyone, and for her to say something like that meant you were something special.” Only fitting that she would sing at our wedding. More intricate details.

Another big thing we wanted that day was for my dad to share the gospel with everyone who was there. We love Jesus with our whole hearts, and we wanted to make sure that everyone who stepped foot into that church heard the message that has changed both of our hearts. We love each other because Christ first loved us (1 John 4:19), and we believe wholeheartedly that God is love. We cannot build our relationship off of anything less than a strong foundation, and that is what Christ is for us. In our worst arguments, on our hardest days, God holds together what no man can separate (Matthew 19:6).

We didn’t write our own vows. We asked for traditional vows. They encompassed everything we wanted to promise to each other. In a world where it’s easy to be flippant about anything, we took everything about those vows seriously. We still do to this day. We made a promise before God to love each other for the rest of our lives. That is heavy, and it should be heavy. Marriage hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world, but that’s not what God said it would be. Love is a choice. It is not a feeling. And choosing to love you every day is one of my greatest joys and honors. And I will continue to choose you over and over and over again. Until death do us part.

After we were declared man and wife, it was very important to us that we say hi and thank you to every person in attendance. So we marched our happy Erkman butts back down that aisle and hugged each and every person. We poured over our guest list very intentionally, and we only wanted people there who really wanted to be there. I think we had about 125 people at our wedding, and it was perfect.

Everything after that was loads of fun. Lots of dancing, glow sticks and really good music. But there are a few more things that really stick out to me…

Another one of your few requests was that your grandma have a part in our wedding day. Josh’s grandma, Rosemary, prayed over our dinner. Rosemary is the picture of beauty and grace to me. She lights up when she’s with anyone in her family. She is kind, gentle, and pulls me into a big hug every time she sees me. What I think about most when I think of Rosemary is her unfailing faith. It meant the world that she and Kenny came all the way up from Evansville to celebrate with us.

My maid of honor was my sister, Liv. And looking back, I would have it no other way. She has become my best friend. We are quite different when it comes to personalities and often butted heads when we were younger, but what mom told us for all those years was accurate. Friends will come and go, but your sister will always be there for you. I have watched Liv grow into this stunning person, and she surprises me all the time with her big and beautiful heart. And like momma said, she is always there for me (and now us).

After Liv’s speech, Johnny gave his. He shared a story about how, when you two were kids, one summer you guys made a deal that you both wouldn’t shower. All the while, Johnny was showering and you weren’t. From the moment we started dating, and even until now, you always refer to Johnny as your best man. The bond you two share and how much you love him is one of my favorite things. To this day, you would do anything for your best man, and I know Johnny would do the same.

Emily and Amanda stole us away in Emily’s big van, Helga, for some sunset photos. It was weird being engulfed in so much quiet after such a whirlwind day, but it was so nice to just be with you. It felt like our own little private celebration, and whenever we drive past that grassy area in Greenwood, Indiana, I’m immediately transported back to our wedding day.

When we got back to our reception, nearly everyone was up and dancing. On the invitations, it said that dancing was required, and I guess people took that seriously. Everywhere I turned, I got to dance and celebrate with someone I loved. It was the best.

Now it’s time for the dollar dance. I danced with a lot of people, but my favorite person I danced with was Judy Erkman. It wasn’t very long into us dancing that we both started crying. I remember her telling me how thankful she was that we found each other. If I’ve learned anything about my mother-in-law, it is this: she fiercely loves and protects her family. To have Judy behind us and supporting us through life, I swear, we’ve got it made. I inherited some of the best people I know because of you.

It was the last song of the night. Everyone gathered around us in a circle. You, me, and our parents were in our own smaller circle in the middle of the even larger circle. I remember thinking, I wish this night could never end. And even today, I wish the same. I wish that night could have never ended.

There are so many funny memories I have of that day, too. Bob wearing aviators working his way around the dance floor doing the electric slide. Brian, our brother-in-law, constantly appearing with a Go Pro. Your cousin wearing old white shocks as soon as the ceremony was over. Recreating a pub lab photo with Tedrow and my girls. Feeling like the floor was going to cave beneath us, because we were jumping so much while dancing to Shut Up and Dance with Me. Not everything went perfect that day. It didn’t need to. But I didn’t want to be so focused on the details or things not going according to plan that I forgot to miss out on the miracle of the moment. To be totally transparent, I could have given two farts less about centerpieces or decorations or fancy party lights. I’m being serious, I really didn’t care. Would I have possibly picked a different venue? Sure. Would I have bought a different wedding dress? Maybe. If I could go back and pick different flowers, would I? Probably. But it didn’t matter, and it still doesn’t. All I wanted was to marry you. Everything else was secondary.

There are many, many more memories I have from our day, but these are the ones I had to write down. I believe one of the best things you can leave behind is words. One day, we’ll show our wedding photos to our children. I’ll read them the memories I’ve written down here and elsewhere. Maybe I’ll get old and senile and forget parts of our wedding, but reading this will remind me. Maybe one day, you and I will have a huge argument but having this will help us to remember why we started this journey of marriage in the first place.

Life isn’t always picture perfect. In fact, most days, it’s hardly that. But Josh Erkman, you will always be the one I want standing next to me in all the photographs – now, tomorrow, and forever after that. I’ve loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more.