"This Love is Ours"

Much of my high school, college, and young adulthood was spent with the wrong kind of guy. You know what I mean, the boys who crazy excite you but are so terribly wrong for you. Every broken-hearted Taylor Swift song was exactly how I felt from being a teenager to the age of 24. Truly, it is sad that I spent so much time chasing after these kinds of relationships - shallow, superficial, ill-intentioned, toxic. Everything that I didn’t want in a husband, I spent majority of these years pursuing.

What I’ve found in my conversations with most women of all ages is this: it seems we’ve all settled for these relationships at one point in time. You might not fall in this category, and if you haven’t, praise the Lord! Seriously. Sometimes I think we long for someone so badly, we forget what we are worth and what we deserve.

I still see and work with these women on a daily basis – the ones who are in toxic relationships. Relationships that consume them, control them, make them feel lesser than who they really are. Why as women do we feel the need to let a man complete us? Why as women do we feel it is better to have a bad someone than no one at all?

Through prayer, great family/friendships and some self-awareness, I have learned that it boils down to one thing – self-worth. Who we give ourselves to says a lot about who we think we are and what we are worth. These relationships left me feeling every negative emotion. I can’t tell you how many times I was curled up on my bed in the fetal position calling my BFF, because I was left feeling nothing but emptiness.

It was in October of 2014 when my mentality changed. I was house-sitting for one of my friends.  I was spending the evening talking to God about my life on her couch. It dawned on me then that Christ sees me as precious – an untouchable jewel. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a daughter to the King. I am His, and He is mine. I am of much worth; I am known and valued. It was that night that I went through my phone and blocked every boy who I had ever dated. I wanted no contact with them. That night I decided that I would focus my attention to the Lord and quit being swayed by people who could not recognize my identify in Christ. It truly was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was a total turning point in my life. God laid it on my heart that until January of 2015, I was not going to date anyone. Just three months, but still, that’s what I felt He was telling me to do. I didn’t know why this was the timeline, it just was, and I had peace about it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been praying for my husband. My mom always told me that before I was even born, her and my dad had started praying for my future spouse. I remember blowing out my candles every birthday and wishing that the man I spent the rest of my life with would love Jesus. Every fallen eyelash, every 11:11 and all the other tacky things in between – my prayer and wish was always the same – for a husband who loved and sought after Jesus.

January 1, 2015 – the day Josh Erkman and I started talking and getting to know each other. (Remember the timeline?) Funny, God’s timing. I truly believe that this was God blessing my obedience to Him. So much of my younger years was spent on people who didn’t deserve my time; I could have focused more of my attention on the Lord and all the joy and love He brings. My relationship with the Lord was a roller coaster, and I would prefer it looked like a staircase. But I’m so thankful His mercies are new every morning, and we have a loving and forgiving Savior who accepts us and claims us as His own no matter what mistakes we make past, present, and future.

January 17, 2015 – Josh and I’s first date.

January 18, 2015 – Josh and I commit. (My friends and family were like what the heck is going on? Hillary’s in a relationship? She never commits to anyone).

Mid-March 2015 – Josh bought an engagement ring.

October 2015 - Josh proposes, and I say yes! (Duh, do you know him?)

May 14, 2016 – Josh and I get hitched! Best. Day. Ever. !!!!!!

I’ve learned that my identity is found in so much more than a man (even my husband)– it is found in the blood of the Lamb. Do I still struggle with knowing my worth? Yes. Is this something I pray about often? Yes. What I learned after a 9-year struggle? You can never go wrong with following God’s leading in your life. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, and as a result, I have my husband. He is everything I prayed for and so much more. He is calm, kind, understanding, goofy and funny. Life with Josh is a big party all the time. He listens to all my ramblings, he helps without me having to ask, he makes me laugh more and live better. He grounds me but makes me feel like I can fly. Josh is good to me and genuinely knows my heart and wants to know more each day. He is a gift, and I am honored to do life next to him. My favorite thing about him though? His love for Jesus.


God answers prayer, and He gives us the desires of our hearts when we delight in His will for our lives. Thanking him for my favorite guy today (and every day).

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