Independent Warrior

Last night, I got to hang out with 2 of my best friends. We ordered pizza, stayed in, and wore our comfies. It was my favorite kind of evening. 

To be quite honest, I haven’t been doing well lately. I’ve felt more down than I have in a while. I’ve been emotional, I’ve been sad, I’ve been more easily angered. Josh and I have argued more than we usually ever do. I don’t know, I just haven’t been myself. I was talking to Jess and Lu about these things. And Jess asked the question, “are you taking care of yourself?”

That answer is no. 

I’ve been friends with Jess and Lauren since high school. They have seen me make Hillary’s Prom Binder. We maintained a friendship while living half a world away (literally). We’ve picked each other up from 4 AM flights. We’ve gotten revenge piercings. We have stayed up half the night taking personality tests and eating junk food. We’ve cried over a foster care journey. We jumped up and down when LuLu got into law school. We’ve been by each other’s sides at weddings. We have taken a lot of car rides filled with tears, laughs, and Taylor Swift cranked all too loud. We have seen each other through life’s souring best and absolute worst of times. It is because of my friendship with these two beautiful people, that I have learned a lot about myself, too. 

When I was 18 years old, Jess coined the name Independent Warrior for me. 10 years later, some parts of that title are still so true. I isolate myself nearly entirely when I am struggling, and I try to deal with it on my own. The funny part about friendship is, without me saying a word, they already knew where my heart has been. They know the questions to ask when I’m lost in a sea of my own thoughts. They pull me out of my funk. They make me a better human. They are lights in my life when it feels like the darkness won’t go away. And they speak truth into my soul when I need it most. 

I was reminded last night in Jess’ living room, we aren’t meant to do life alone. It’s okay to ask for help. God created us for each other - to be interdependent, to feel the hard stuff together, and to rejoice when the good news comes. 

When I was 18 years old, I was also given another name by my sweet friends, and that is Sunshine. On nearly every birthday card I get, Hillary Sunshine is the how the card is labeled. I have a wonderful family and a terrific husband, but there is something to be said about female friendships. There is something to be said about the people who choose to go through the trenches with you, when maybe sometimes, it’s easier to bail out. 

I may not know it all, and I might still struggle with being an Independent Warrior, but I know I am Sunshine when I’m doing life with my best friends. 

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